A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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