I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Boobs speak an international language.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
