Even water is tasting like jack daniels
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
