Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
