seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I will pee on everything he values.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
