we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
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