I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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