I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
