Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
