Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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