i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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