I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
