I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
