Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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