Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
