There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
