that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
