they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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