I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
