my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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