can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
