another moral hangover. fuck.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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