i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
