11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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