This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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