If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
