you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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