what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
