Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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