I heard we made out
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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