next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
