I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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