Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I understand Curling. That high.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
