let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
