he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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