ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize