I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
