god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
