Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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