i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
