peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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