ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
