my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
