I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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