Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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