Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize