I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
we're making bets on your personal life
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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