the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
