then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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