I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
how do flat chested girls get laid?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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