I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
