oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize