3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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