there's paper in my vomit.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
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