There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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