yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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