yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
