I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize