Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
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