Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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