I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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