why didn't you poke me back
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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