What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
