I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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